


the look in your eyes (i want all of you)

by elixirene



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Discussion of Abortion, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Swearing, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, oh wait there's mentions of puking, road trip sorta thing, trans!doyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 12:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17663096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elixirene/pseuds/elixirene
Summary: their eyes paint a thousand emotions so they don't need to say the obvious. jaehyun knows doyoung is still in a catch-22 with his feelings and mind





	the look in your eyes (i want all of you)

**Author's Note:**

> yes, i know if you look at the tags there's going to be some very uhhh serious topics i guess. in no way do i want to offend anyone with this fic because i have tried to keep it as simple as possible without going too deep in detail. i have written this with the help of some sources but i do admit it's hard to write on such topics when i don't have a solid grasp on these situations (you must be thinking then wHY am i incorporating such themes into my fic). i also put teen and up for this just in case. if anything in this comes across to you as inaccurate and offensive, please tell me in the comments on what to change or if you want me to delete this fic.

asphalt burns as tires screech against the road, seagulls gawking while they fly into the distance. an open-roof car takes a sharp right turn at a cliff, and in it sits a brunet clutching the steering wheel with veins popping out of his arm. another boy with blue highlights in the shotgun seat is dangling his arm out of the window ledge, hand holding a cigarette billowing smoke into the wind. he looks deep in thought while he stares at the glowing sunset peeking out from the silver horizon of the sea. _car rides have never been so fun_ , he thinks to himself. in the background, the radio plays an unfamiliar tune.  
  
"you okay there?" jaehyun asks as he steals a glance towards the older. doyoung folds his arms on the ledge to prop his chin on top of them. while his body shifts to adjust his posture, he says indifferently, "yeah, i just don't wanna talk about it." jaehyun lets out a grunt of acknowledgement and returns his full attention to the endless road in front of him.  
  
it's been 4 days, 9 hours and 32 minutes since doyoung left with a bag and a plaster white urn, but who’s counting anyways. the two items are lying on the backseat, jumping up ever so slightly when the car drives onto potholes or sliding ungracefully across the seats every time the car drives into a winding part of the road.  
  
as his boyfriend speeds the car up to allow the seaside wind to blow past their faces, doyoung sticks the cigarette in his mouth and inhales the sickly scent of it. jaehyun retrieves an opened beer can from the cup holder near the steering wheel to chug it down furiously. when he's finished, the can clatters on the road and rolls away. doyoung tsks at the younger's action playfully.  
  
"that's illegal. y'know, the littering." the brunet snorts at the statement.

 

“oh shut it, babe.” jaehyun answers back while grabbing the last cigarette packet and tossing it behind him. doyoung lets out a gasp, turning his body 180 degrees only to see the car driving further and further away from it. but he doesn’t say anything and chooses to cross his arms and pouts.

 

he seethes at the younger. “if it weren’t for that ball of cells hanging onto my uterus i would have murdered you for that.” in the back of his mind, doyoung knows it’s unhealthy to be breaking his self-imposed smoking ban. a while ago, a _very, very helpful_ “keep it off your mind and find an alternative” was provided by the gynaecologist when doyoung went for a hospital check-up, and he knows better than to not throw caution to the wind. so far up till now, he has been licking lollipops to distract him from the itch. however, it came back at the start of jaehyun’s impromptu road trip when the younger picked him up from his house.

 

jaehyun has been warning him not to fall down the rabbit hole too far.

 

_(doyoung groans into the porcelain toilet bowl, stomach empty but filled with acid. the rhythmic patting on his back seems to do nothing but make him retch again and his eyes water. he knew they should have used that condom, goddammit._

 

_“fuck you.” he coughs out a whine as he pulls away to settle his back against jaehyun’s warm chest. doyoung closes his eyes and breathes in and out slowly. it seems to do the trick because he can feel the nausea settle back into his stomach uneasily. they sit on the cold tiled floor like this for awhile until jaehyun asks doyoung if he wants to go back to bed. he exhales shakily and nods, wincing when the sudden movement of the younger’s arms carrying him upwards tug at the nausea._

 

 _as he tries to fall back to sleep, jaehyun, who has been abnormally quiet, whispers, “are we really going to keep it?” doyoung looks up quizzically at him and jaehyun smoothens the creases on his forehead. his eyes withhold a gaze of firmness and chastise but the linger of doubt is_ still _there. “i’m still… thinking about it.” the boy can feel his mind pull him from both spectrums: to hang on and preserve this life in him (admittedly he has grown attached to his child during the past month) or to get rid of it because he’s not ready and unsuitable to become a parent._

 

_to say doyoung is scared is an understatement._

 

_his conscience tells him two logical sides: he’s tempted to abort it._

 

 _but he doesn’t touch a single cigarette after that.)_  
  
their conversation dies down to nothing like the extinguishing embers of doyoung's apparent last cigarette. the boy flings it in front of him to watch it bounce off the gray road railing. when jaehyun swerves the car smoothly at another curve, doyoung yawns sleepily and rubs his eyes tiredly. he’s been pulling an all-nighter ever since the second night of their trip simply because _he wants to_ , and now he regrets it.

 

with a streak of impulse fueled by exhaustion, he carefully crawls over the low-lying seat, making sure his stomach doesn’t hit against the headrest before flopping down onto the backseat. jaehyun laughs at the sight of his gangly limbs over the posterior while shaking his head in defeat. doyoung tells him to shut up and strips off his shirt, a sports bra clinging on like a second skin.

 

doyoung lies down on the backseat, curling into himself like a cat. he slings an arm over his abdomen protectively as he waits for sleep to ease him into a slumber. the last thing he remembers is jaehyun looking into the rearview mirror with a warm gaze.

 

*

 

the buzzing car engine ceases and doyoung opens his eyes. they’re _finally_ here, their last stop for the day, the seaside. his head spins from the pulsing ache in his neck and a familiar wave of nausea overpowers him. when doyoung sits up to hurl over, jaehyun is immediately by his side, a plastic bag dangling in front of the former and one hand doing the same soothing up-and-down pattern on the small of his back. doyoung mutters a ‘thanks’ and empties his gut into the awaiting, flimsy receptacle. his mouth tastes of bitter bile and a lingering stench of tobacco. he swears to god to not touch those accursed cigarettes again.

 

when the boy is finished he leans sideways and wraps his arms around jaehyun’s torso, looking around them. their surroundings are enveloped in darkness save for the moonlight illuminating against the soft sand. sea salt stings his nose in gentle waves like the lapping sea water. doyoung shuffles around, looking for his abandoned shirt. when he manages to grasp ahold of it and put it on, jaehyun is already carrying the urn, waiting patiently for the older to get ready.

 

“let’s go.” they unlock the car door and walk side by side towards the sea, warm hands tangling together. every footstep is followed with the sound of fine sand and coarse pebbles, like white noise against the silent backdrop. the waves get closer and closer while doyoung’s heart drops further and further. _i can’t do this, i’m not ready._

 

the couple stops a few feet away from the border of wet sand. “hey, it’s gonna be okay. breathe.” jaehyun breathes out as he parts doyoung’s unruly bangs away from the side of his forehead. doyoung stifles a sob and trembles as he hugs his boyfriend. warmth envelopes his thin frame but it’s not enough to stop his sobs.

 

“i’m not ready to let go of my brother. i don’t want to let go of him.” it’s only then he notices the cold marble of the urn resting coolly upon his heater skin, and doyoung wants to cry more. jaehyun shushes him and rocks the both of them just like how a baby would be rocked to sleep in their crib. the older boy only cries and cries until he uses up all of tears.

 

doyoung sniffles and casts a glance at the urn again. it’s like it’s calling out to him: open the lid and let me go, it’s for the better. maybe it will be better for him to do so, so he takes in deep breaths again to steady his composure, before gingerly taking the urn from jaehyun. the brunet steps back as doyoung removes the lid while stepping closer to the shore. he can hear his heart picking up but his brain is calm and collected.

 

slowly, he dips his hand into the urn and grabs a fistful of powder. with a weak flourish, he throws the ash into the awaiting sea. it lingers in the air and then disappears into the sea. the weight in his chest lessens while he continues until there’s nothing left. the way doyoung feels a sense of relief and euphoria is foreign to him, it’s the feeling of jumping into the ocean from a height: standing metres away from the deep water is nerve-wrecking and you feel as if you cannot bring yourself to take the first step to jump. yet, when you finally decide to jump down, the sense of foreboding and adrenaline rushing through your blood increases until you hit the water. the moment you come out to the surface, you feel nothing but the sense of accomplishment and a hint of stupidity.

 

doyoung laughs and cries hysterically simultaneously. he has never felt so free and guilty, so he drops into a crouch and grabs at his chest. when he almost collapses from the mental exhaustion, jaehyun scoops him up into his arms and he tucks his face into the younger’s neck. sleep comes easily for doyoung again.

 

*

 

“so you wanna tell me what happened?” doyoung whines at the question and shifts on jaehyun’s chest. he knows he cannot avoid it forever but at least he can attempt to delay answering it. when he tilts his head, jaehyun only gazes at him intensely, and a chill runs down his spine.

 

the black-haired boy licks his lips unconsciously. “well… you see, when you were filling up the petrol tank and i wanted to uh… take a piss?” he looks at jaehyun to affirm his recount. the boy nods so he continues with fidgeting fingers. “i didn’t know which gender-assigned toilet to go and just stood there like a fucking idiot. then this asshole just takes one look at me and- and she… i think she could see my bra through my shirt so she just glared at me and just- just called me names.” doyoung doesn’t want to recount the uncomfortable experience further so he just shrugs indifferently and looks down at his hands, picking at the skin. the flesh turns pale pink before becoming a shade of inflamed red, exactly how he imagines jaehyun’s anger right now even though he doesn’t dare to look at the other right now.

 

“hey, look at me.” jaehyun lifts doyoung’s chin upwards. his eyes are flashing with pure unadulterated anger but it also holds, undoubtedly, affection. “i wish i could always be there for you all the time so you wouldn’t need to face this shit like that. i wish i could do something more than just… this. i don’t know how to phrase it, but i just want to help you so others won’t act so inconsiderate towards you.” doyoung can feel himself crying (damn those hormones) and he chuckles breathily.

 

“you’ve already done so much for me babe. be it spending money on ice cream or listening me to whine non-stop about morning sickness, i appreciate everything. even when you’re by my side-” he gets cut off with a soft kiss on his lips and doyoung lets out a gasp of surprise before melting into the warmth of it. _more more more_ is what doyoung’s mind pleads as jaehyun becomes more dominant. teeth clash as tongues swirl around, veiny hands crawling up to caress doyoung’s waist before one eventually settles against his stomach.

 

both boys break the kiss and giggle bashfully, exchanging endearing gazes back and forth. doyoung whispers a “i love you so much” and jaehyun replies, “and i you”.

 

(“i know what to name them.”

 

“what is it?”

 

“it’s been on my mind for quite a while. i think jeno sounds fitting.”

 

“okay... but what if they turn out to be-”

 

“shh! don’t question it.”

 

silence.

 

“...whatever floats your boat, babe.”)

**Author's Note:**

> do comment on anything that doesn't sit well with you and i will try to change them!
> 
> also this probs be the last fic i will be posting until december cos i'm having national exams this year xD
> 
> catch me on twitter @ultyixingie


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